Open Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa

Hope this letter reaches you before you leave the North Pole.  Since you have your eyes fixed on me (I saw a few drones passing close to my home and school), I have been an extra good girl this year. I know you did not send me any gifts last year, and I accept it, mia culpa. Yes, it was I who placed the dead rat in Myra’s lunch…but she was a stuck-up and you must admit, deserved it anyway.

Billy had it coming from a long way off, so placing a live sea snake in his science project, was cool. But to be honest with you Santa, that serpent refused to die! I was surprised, but glad when it bit him on his hand. My word, can’t trust science anymore, fish do breathe out of water. Ok, so all confessed.

My dear Santa, my gift is for all the world, not just me. Do us all a sweet, please don’t come this Christmas. No trick, no treat. So, if you noticed this letter is accompanied by a box of chocolate cookies and two large kegs of milk. We hope you stay put until the winter goes. Are you baffled as to why?

You shouldn’t be. Just take a look around, and if you are still lost, see the list below.

1. 1. The prices grow wings: Every year, just before you come, all the prices hit record levels, and the only thing that stays grounded is my empty wallet. So just stay away, please.
   2. Criminals renew their licenses: I am not accusing you, but it makes me wonder. Why are there so many robberies about the same time you arrive? Are these guys from the North too? I would love to go for a stroll while the snow falls, but if you come, we will be under quarantine again.

1. Animal Abuse: don’t you think those poor reindeer need some rest? After flying all over the world hauling your weight and the bag around, it comes down to animal abuse and it is a crime punishable under US laws. Be a good lad this year, let the poor beasts rest.
2. Ozone Destroyer: Grandma says that they should rename you Santa “saw”, and she is right. Every year, just when you are about to land, the world starts cutting done the lovely pine trees. These trees are useful both as a protector of the Ozone, and a deterrent to aliens. Don’t tell me you didn’t know, they are used to form the triangle up North, so that aliens may know that we are smart.
3. Finally, damaged roof: even when there are no chimneys, you keep landing on the roof! Who is gonna pay for the repairs? Some people say it’s the snow, but you don’t fool me! Was it just the reindeer, no but you and the chariot thing are destructive agents sent to inflict damage to our plummeting bankroll. Just to let you know, this year we have taken precautions. We have hidden cameras in place.

So, my dear Santa, please don’t come. I know you may be wondering why I have bought a Beebee gun, or why I have been practicing to shoot down frisbees.  I assure you that I have no plans to shoot your reindeer down. Why would you think that?

By, the way, I had nothing to do with the two thumbtacks on the math teacher’s chair. They just got there by themselves. I swear on all the water on mars, I am innocent.

Happy Christmas, Santa, stay put. Stay home. Don’t come.